


Fruity Rumpus Domestic Abuse Hotline

by Bobsled_Hostage



Series: Vriskat Tomfoolery [2]
Category: Homestuck, MS Paint Adventures
Genre: Abusive Relationships, Domestic Violence, F/F, F/M, Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-16
Updated: 2016-07-03
Packaged: 2018-06-08 18:08:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,510
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6867895
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bobsled_Hostage/pseuds/Bobsled_Hostage
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>>it's a 'vriska 8eats her moirail' episode</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

turntechGodhead opened memo "lets put this on the table where we can all see it"  
turntechGodhead invited tentacleTherapist, grimAuxiliatrix, gallowsCalibrator, arachnidsGrip to the memo  
TG: we need to talk about karkat  
TG: for reasons ill never understand the guy is a favorite subject around here  
TG: and i dont need to tell anyone that of the people on this meteor he consumes way more than his fair share of the decibels and im not always thrilled with it  
TG: but i cant be the only one to have noticed the bruises hes been picking up  
TG: and i know youre all about to suggest that i put them there strifing with him  
TG: but lets establish right now that theres no way any of them were me  
TG: for one ive never gone at it with him bare knuckle  
TG: but more importantly even with my unimpeachably superior combat prowess i dont think i could just plant one square over his eye like you all had to have noticed last time we all met in the kitchen  
TG: he may fight like a kitten with polio and three broken legs but hes not totally defenseless  
TG: either hes been falling down a lot of fist shaped stairs or someones beating him senseless on a semi regular basis  
TG: and hes letting them  
grimAuxiliatrix began responding to the memo  
GA: Nobody Thinks That Was You Dave  
GA: It Was Most Likely Vriska  
TG: wow right away  
TG: no hesitation to sell her up the river  
TG: jumping on that shit like a used car salesman just waiting for the rubes to blunder onto the lot  
TG: pouncing with a sixty thousand mile extended warranty and an installment plan at seventy percent interest with no down payment  
TG: and a layer or two of truecoat while youre at it  
GA: Im Sorry But It Appears As Though Your Cryptic Metaphor Has Sailed Right Over My Head Once Again  
GA: Could You Please Explain The Concept Using Smaller Words  
GA: Preferably In A Sequence That Is Not Quite So Deliberately Obtuse  
TG: yeah sure here goes:  
TG: and not to impugn your judgement  
TG: but why the fuck would she do that  
TG: arent they supposed to be best platonic-except-not soulmate life partner pile pals or something  
GA: Yes Indeed They Are  
GA: Proving That He Is Robust Enough To Withstand His Moirails Rages Can Frankly Only Be Good For Karkats Self Esteem  
GA: As I Understand It In His Relationship With Gamzee He Was Unable To Perform Such A Function Due To The Dramatic Disparity In Strength Between Them  
GA: And On The Other Side Of The Coin I Dont Believe Vriska Ever Felt As Though She Could Safely Lash Out Against Me In Such A Way Without Fear Of Endangering Our Moirallegiance  
GA: It Is Nice That Both Of Them Have Fallen Into What Appears To Be A Serendipitous Pale Relationship  
TG: ok lets rewind a little  
TG: shes been hitting him and you knew about it  
TG: and not only is this not cause for concern this is something you actively encourage  
GA: Encourage Is Not The Word I Would Choose But I Am Happy For Him  
GA: And I Suppose For Vriska As Well  
TG: i dont know if we rewound too far or not far enough  
TG: im wearing the tape out over here trying to figure out where we were at  
TG: big lebowski up ins  
TG: wandering into the theater in the middle of the movie wanting to know whats going on  
TG: shut up donny daves talking  
TG: wondering what the fuck is wrong with yall if its not too bold to ask  
TG: isnt beating your alien wife into a coma because she overdid your grubsteak supposed to be exclusive to one of those other quadrants  
TG: not that its any less objectionable but at least shits contained  
gallowsCalibrator began responding to the memo  
GC: OBJ3CT1ON!  
GC: DUR1NG OUR 4BORT1V3 M4T3SPR1TSH1P 1 F4MOUSLY 4DM1N1ST3R3D R3GUL4R C4N3 DRUBB1NGS TO M1ST3R V4NT4S TO NO 4PP4R3NT 1LL 3FF3CT  
GC: B3YOND H1S CONST4NT COMPL41N1NG  
GC: WH1CH 1 DONT TH1NK 1 N33D TO T3LL 4NY OF YOU 1S P4R FOR TH3 COURS3 W1TH K4RKL3S >:]  
TG: see i always figured that was just a harmlessly weird habit of yours  
TG: kind of like  
TG: well everything else about you if im being totally honest  
TG: minus the harmless part but lets not go down that road again  
TG: except at this point im not sure we can avoid it  
TG: were already hurtling down fruity rumpus domestic abuse hotline highway  
TG: the bridge is out up ahead someone cut the brakes and if we go below seventy miles an hour well explode  
TG: looks like were going to have to jump  
TG: them duke boys have got themselves into a big old lick of trouble  
TG: get it lick  
tentacleTherapist began responding to the memo  
TT: My brother is spinning no small amount of yarn and avoiding succinct expression of what exactly it is he’s objecting to here.  
TT: Thus the task once again falls to me to set the record straight.   
TG: uh rose i think youll find if you look that those words i just typed up and sent express my feelings on the subject exactly as they came into my head  
TT: I’m sure.  
TT: In brief, violence against one’s romantic partner was in many human societies, including the one that produced us, widely frowned upon as one of our more heinous crimes.  
TT: This sort of thing was considered an enormous social problem which filled the pages of countless academic and non academic journals alike.  
TT: The subject is an uncomfortable one for many people and to see all of you treat it so glibly would in many circles be viewed as a sign of moral defects on your part.  
GC: 4R3 YOU T3LL1NG M3 1T 1SN’T CONS1D3R3D NORM4L FOR HUM4NS F3M4L3S TO OCC4S1ON4LLY L4SH OUT PHYS1C4LLY 4G41NST THOS3 CLOS3ST TO TH3M?  
GC: OR FOR TH3 M4L3S TO DUT1FULLY 4BSORB SUCH PUN1SHM3NT 1N TH3 1NT3R3ST OF P4C1FY1NG TH3M?  
GC: B3C4US3 1F SO TH4T 3XPL41NS 4 LOT 4BOUT YOUR SP3C13S  
arachnidsGrip began responding to the memo  
AG: Namely what l8me nerds you all are!  
AG: And let me just say that this 8ullshit is so typical.  
AG: I finally have one unam8iguously good thing in my life and you losers try to yank it away.  
AG: 8ecause someone’s 8eing an oversensitive wriggler who doesn’t know a healthy p8le rel8tionship when they see it.  
AG: That someone 8eing all of you 8ucket kickers!  
GA: Nobody Is Doing Anything Of The Sort  
GA: If You Look We Were Merely Ruminating On The Numerous Intriguing Differences Between Our Respective Races  
AG: 8uzz off, Maryam!  
AG: Don’t think i cant see what you're up to, indulging your natural urge to meddle and scheme and prod and fuss.  
AG: Trying to get 8ack in my diamond, even.  
AG: Well it wont work, and you can all 8alance your concerns on the tip of my 8ulge!  
GC: VR1SK4 YOU 4R3 3MB4RR4SS1NG YOURS3LF  
GC: 1 WOULD H4V3 HOP3D TH4T YOUR OBNOX1OUS P4R4NO14, WH1CH 1N 4NY OTH3R TROLL WOULD B3 4DM1R4BL3 BUT WH1CH YOU T4K3 TO SUCH R1DICULOUS 3XTR3M3S, WOULD H4V3 B33N ON3 OF YOUR N3G4T1V3 TR41TS MOD3R4T3D BY K4RK4TS L3G3ND4RY CONC1L14TORY PROW3SS  
GC: BUT 1T S33MS TH4T D3SP1T3 HOW STUP1DLY 4DOR4BL3 TH3 TWO OF YOU 4R3 TOG3THER, TH1S 1S JUST 4N 3SS3NT1AL CH4R4CT3R1ST1C OF VR1SK4 S3RK3T TH4T W3 W1ll H4V3 TO 3NDUR3  
TG: so wait you dont even try to deny it then  
AG: What, that sometimes I knock some sense into him?  
AG: He's not some wriggler a8out to 8urst like a 8alloon every time anyone lays a hand on him!  
AG: You've all seen how much 8etter hes gotten about 8ruising, now that he doesn't have to hide his gross 8lood from anyone.  
GA: This I Can Attest To Personally  
GA: I Do Not Believe He Would Ever Have Allowed Me To Feed On Him If It Had Not Been For Your Work With Him In That Regard  
AG: Damn str8.  
AG: And don't think I haven't noticed how you've 8een holding him while you snack, 8itch.  
AG: I can practically see the 8ig white diamonds in your eyes every time you 8ite down!  
GA: First I Am Waxing Pale For You  
GA: Now It Is For Him  
GA: Perhaps You Should Ensure That Your Slander Is Internally Consistent Before Airing It For All To See  
AG: Pale for me, pale for him, who says you can’t 8e 8oth?  
AG: You were always the village two wheel device in the ash, who’s to s8y you haven’t swapped to the next quadrant over?  
GA: Well I Do Not Believe That Is Something You Will Ever Need To Worry About Again Vriska  
GA: You Are Doing A Fine Job Of Making The Prospect Of Occupying Any Of Your Quadrants Totally Unappealing  
TT: If I might wrangle the conversation in a slightly more productive direction.  
TT: No, it was not considered acceptable for members of our species to pummel their intimate partners for the purpose of relieving stress.  
TT: Or for any other reason.  
GC: W3LL F4R B3 1T FOR M3 TO 4RGU3 W1TH HOW YOU D1D TH1NGS ON 34RTH, 4S BOR1NG 4S TH3Y USU4LLY W3R3, BUT LOOK 4T 1T TH1S W4Y  
GC: 1F 1T R34LLY BOTH3R3D K4RK4T H3 COULD JUST BR34K 1T OFF  
GC: H3 W4S 4BL3 TO 3ND 1T W1TH G4MZ33 SO W3 KNOW H3 1SNT ON3 OF THOS3 TROLLS WHO ST1CKS 4ROUND 1N 4 R3L4T1ONSH1P WH3N TH3Y W4NT OUT FOR THE S4K3 OF SP4R1NG SOM3ON3S F33L1NGS  
GC: OR OUT OF F34R OF B31NG 4LON3  
AG: Well fuck you too!  
GA: I Believe She Was Referring To Me  
AG: Oh.  
AG: W8 no, thats still totally insulting to me for a different reason!  
AG: Fuck you too times two!!!!!!!!  
GC: TH3 PO1NT 1M TRY1NG TO M4K3 H3R3 1S TH4T K4RK4T 1S ST1LL W1TH H3R OUT OF H1S OWN CHOOS1NG  
GC: THUS D3MONSTR4T1NG TH4T TH3R3 1S NOTH1NG TO WORRY 4N 1NEXPLIC4BLY P4L3 H41R ON YOUR PR3TTY L1TTLE H34DS 4BOUT  
GC: C4SE CLOS3D  
GA: I Must Agree That I Do Not See What The Problem Is  
TG: wow ok  
turntechGodhead ceased responding to the memo  
GC: >:?  
GA: Agreed Query Hook  
AG: Good riddance!!!!!!!!  



	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Well it's just so stupid, isn't it, beating your moirail? I mean it's **your** moirail. It's like keying your own scuttlebuggy._ -Troll Orson Welles, The Definitive Guide to Alternian Screwball Comedy

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT]  
TG: can you handle this without me  
TG: can town is in crisis like you wouldnt believe and look at that my phones blowing the fuck up  
TG: no surprises everyone wants a piece of dave strider  
TG: single line folks theres enough to go around  
TG: carve me up like a twelfth perigees eve turducken just remember to save the choicest cuts for the mayor  
TG: actually no thats lame as all hell  
TG: let me start over  
TG: rose can you handle this without me  
TT: I can hold my own, yes.  
TT: I take it this is something you’d rather not discuss with the rest of the class.  
TT: Actually you don’t have to answer that.  
TT: This isn’t the time for me to be flippant.  
TG: nah be as flippant as you want  
TG: never let it be said that dave striders fragile feelings ever prevented rose lalonde from ripping him a new one  
TT: Alright, if you’re inviting me:  
TT: As I recall you yourself have soundly refuted any charges that your own upbringing, which in some ways is not dissimilar to the current situation we are faced with, was anything but a crucible which forged you into the magnificent specimen you are today.  
TG: yeah and i know for a fact that you consider me such a well adjusted human being  
TT: Touche  
TG: anyway dont even compare the two  
TG: this isnt about my dumb bullshit  
TG: this is about us viewing the bunch of loveable rascals sharing the meteor with us in a new light  
TG: where instead of jackassing around and being generally harmless after all the really dangerous ones wiped each other out  
TG: were looking at the reality where your buddys troll husband kicks the shit out of him while the others cheer and tell you how cute they are together  
TG: which i guess i always knew on some level but never really had it thrown in my face until this exact second  
TT: I know.  
TT: Speaking of viewing things in a new Light, I am sifting through possible courses of action as swiftly as my abilities will let me.  
TT: And when I find one that does not end in disaster you will be the first to know.  
TT: Our options are unfortunately limited, trapped as we are in this ship-in-a-bottle scenario with a majority of people who clearly do not see things our way and think no harm has been done.  
TT: Including Karkat himself, I’d wager.  
TT: As much as I would very much like to do so, were we to rush in, God Tier powers blazing he would no doubt be the first to come to her defense.  
TG: ok let me lay all my cards on the table   
TG: or better yet throw them down in an unruly display of contempt for whatever game this is for all to see  
TG: its not just karkat im worried about  
TG: yes hes my bro and im going to do my best to help him get a visa out of the federated republic of troll spousal abuse  
TG: but hes not the only person i care about in a relationship with one of these crazy broads  
TT: You’re talking about Kanaya and me.  
TG: no im talking about my other sister and the other alien vampire that lives here with us  
TT: You don’t need to worry about it.  
TG: i dont really have a choice there and you know it babyskates  
TT: Regardless, I can tell you with complete confidence that it won’t be a problem.  
TT: For two reasons:  
TT: One, as you may have noticed, Kanaya is not a backstabbing psychopath.  
TT: When she talked about her relationship with Vriska, you may have noticed, she implied that she would have been the one receiving blows rather than delivering them.  
TT: And I hope I don’t need to tell you that I have no plans to fill that role.  
TG: gotcha  
TT: Two is very simple:  
TT: And I believe this is quite clear to her as well.  
TT: If for some strange reason Kanaya ever raises a hand against me, she won’t get it back.  
TG: ok thats what i needed to hear  
TG: are you laying down the law in the memo or what  
TT: I have stated my feelings on the matter in no uncertain terms.  
TG: is that really all we can do  
TG: just tell them we dont like it when the spiderbitch gives karkat a black eye  
TG: sternly register our disapproval as she stomps on his fingers like the vice principal at a middle school dance  
TG: excuse me young lady is that skirt really two inches below the knee  
TG: where did i leave my tape measure  
TT: If you can think of any other options that won’t make things worse for him, please don’t hesitate to share.  
TG: ok i dont know how i feel about this  
TG: but youre the leader right  
TG: as in he made such a big screaming deal about how you were in charge and he would defer to your infinite wisdom on just about everything  
TG: cant you like  
TG: order him to stand up for himself  
TG: or to break it off with vriska or something  
TT: I have examined the possibility.  
TT: While there is a chance he would indeed do his best to obey me it would set us up for a confrontation in the long term with consequences that are, shall we say, rather permanent.  
TT: And not in a good way.  
TT: Let’s call it a last resort.  
TG: man fuck  
TG: i thought we were through with this predetermined timeline-demands-it horseshit  
TG: and yet here we are again  
TG: john calvin kicking in the door reminding our dumb asses whats what   
TG: just find-replace ‘institutes of the christian religion’ for ‘spiderbitch gives karkat a shiner to remember her by because he forgot to iron her shirt’  
TG: that one was pretty weak too actually  
TT: Indeed.  
TT: Would you like to talk face to face about this?  
TG: woah hey  
TG: where the hell is this coming from  
TG: did you miss the part where i said i was fine  
TG: because im totally fine  
TT: I’ll be up in five minutes, give or take.  
TG: yeah  
TG: ok  
turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering tentacleTherapist [TT]


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _The victim is always, definitionally, to blame! Who else, the victor? They wanted harm and got harm! You wanted no harm and got harm! Obviously half of that was wrong._ -Troll Larry David, Imperial Schoolfeeding Manual

arachnidsGrip [AG] began trolling carcinoGeneticist[CG]  
AG: 8luuuuuuuuh!!!!!!!!  
CG: GREAT, WHAT IS IT THIS TIME?  
CG: WHAT INTERPERSONAL HOLOCAUST IS KARKAT VANTAS WADING INTO?  
CG: DID YOU START A BLOOD FEUD?  DO I NEED TO BOARD UP MY BLOCK IN CASE ROSE COMES SCHLEPPING OUT OF THE VENTS TO SUFFOCATE ME WITH A MOUTHFUL OF WILDLY FLAGELLATING TENTACLES?  
CG: SHOULD I SEND A MESSAGE BACK SIX SWEEPS TELLING MY GRUB-SELF TO WATCH OUT FOR INSUFFERABLE PRICKS IN CHEAP SHADES AND STUPID CAPES TRYING TO GUT HIM?  
CG: FUCK, YOU DIDN’T ACTUALLY KILL ANYONE DID YOU?  
AG: No!  
AG: I didn’t do j8ck f8cking shit!!!!!!!!  
AG: 8ut does that stop any of these assholes swarming every time they smell 8lue 8lood in the water?  
AG: Why even 8other 8eh8ving if everyone just acts like they did 8ack when I still did 8ad stuff?   
AG: May8e I should go 8ack to killing people!  
AG: At least then when every8ody got their 8ulge in a knot I’d know why!!!!!!!!  
CG: INTERESTING.  HERE’S MY COUNTER-OFFER:  
CG: DON’T EVEN FUCKING JOKE ABOUT THAT.  
CG: GRANTED I JUST DID, BUT IT’S OK WHEN I DO IT.  
AG: ::::P  
CG: WHAT HAPPENED?  
AG: Nothing!  
AG: I was minding my own 8usiness when Dave starts 8leating and howling and carrying on a8out how I’m 8eating my poor moirail senseless and isn’t that the worst thing anyone ever did  
AG: Then Rose jumps in to 8ack him up, and 8efore you know it they’re all de88ng how much rope they need and where to tie the noose!  
CG: I’M POSITIVE YOU’RE MAKING A HUGE SCREAMING DEAL ABOUT SOMETHING THAT ISN’T ACTUALLY THAT BAD.  
CG: BUT I’D BE LYING IF I SAID I WASN’T EXPECTING SOMETHING LIKE THIS TO POP UP EVENTUALLY.  
CG: OR KIND OF DREADING IT IF I’M BEING HONEST.  I’VE BEEN DOING MY BEST TO GET IT THROUGH THEIR NUGBONES THAT I’M NOT MADE OF GLASS AND NEITHER ARE THE REST OF US.  
CG: AND YET, THEY STILL AVOID LOOKING AT ME WHEN THEY NOTICE A BRUISE OVER ONE OF MY GLANCE NUGGETS, LIKE A LITTLE SWELLING IS THE MOST HORRIFYING THING IN PARADOX SPACE.  
CG: NEWS FLASH, MOTHERFUCKERS: I WAS HIDEOUS TO BEGIN WITH, THERE ISN’T ANYTHING THAT COULD HAPPEN TO MY FACE THAT WOULD MAKE ME MORE HORRIFYING TO LOOK AT.  
CG: EVEN IF IT DOES PUT MY LITTLE PROBLEM ON GARISH, IMPOSSIBLE TO MISS DISPLAY FOR ANYONE WHO FEELS LIKE STICKING A FORK IN ME.  
AG: Now who’s 8eing a wriggler?  
AG: I told you, everyone who wanted to hurt you for that died screaming 8ack in our universe 8efore we even finished the game.  
AG: And if it turns out I’m wrong a8out that don’t worry, I’ll 8e sure to finish the jo8.  
CG: YOU KNOW I WAS BEING FACETIOUS, RIGHT?  
AG: Suuuuuuuure you were!  
AG: Sometimes I think you’re just 8eing dramatic for the purpose of extracting all these promises that I’ll disem8owel anyone who threatens you.  
AG: Oh w8, I don’t think that, I know it!  
AG: ;;;;)  
CG: IT’S ALMOST LIKE YOU CAN READ MY MIND, A PRIVILEGE WHICH YOU FREQUENTLY ABUSE AND I, MUCH AS I WISH IT WERE OTHERWISE, HAVE NO WAY OF TAKING AWAY FROM YOU.  
CG: SHORT OF PEELING BACK YOUR CRANIAL PLATES AND PERFORMING AMATEUR SURGERY ON MY MOIRAIL’S THOUGHTSPONGE.  
CG: A DRASTIC AND ILL ADVISED COURSE OF ACTION THAT I NONETHELESS CONTEMPLATE WITH INCREASING FREQUENCY.  
CG: ADDITIONALLY, FUCK YOU.  
CG: IS IT SO WRONG FOR ME TO ENJOY HEARING THAT MY DIAMOND IS WILLING TO KILL TO PROTECT MY LIFE?  
CG: IS THAT A CRIME?  AM I NOT ALLOWED TO FIND IT JUST THE TINIEST BIT ROMANTIC?  
AG: God you’re so fucking adora8le, even when you’re driving me absolutely shithive maggots.  
CG: BELIEVE ME WHEN I SAY IT’S MUTUAL, BITCH.  
CG: SPEAKING OF BEING DRIVEN SHITHIVE MAGGOTS, I’M GUESSING YOU WANT ME TO CLEAN UP YOUR MESS AND SMOOTH THIS WHOLE THING OVER.  
AG: I think you’d 8etter, sometimes I think you’re the only one any of these assholes ever 8other to listen to.  
AG: Almost like they all still think you’re the leader or something!  
CG: YOU’RE HILARIOUS  
CG: <>  
AG: <><><><><><><><>  
arachnidsGrip [AG] ceased trolling carcinoGeneticist[CG]


End file.
